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Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. –Mary Schmich

You probably all think the only truth that can be counted on is death. Right?


We know very little about death.

All that shite about walking into white lights, heaven and hell, being reincarnated as the gnat on a donkeys ass and ghostys woooooo! 

Wooo indeed. 

Really who the fek knows? 

So death, sure we can count on it… but if we barely know anything about it- can it truly be considered a truth?


There is one truth we can definitely count on. 

It’s something which surrounds you right now. 

It grips you and you are totally compliant under its power…and you never, ever, ever, even think about it. 

It’s like the hypnotist who can make you cluck-like-a-chook at the click of his fingers… 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen…





Gravity the single most compelling force of our universe and it is there for every stage of our living existence…


When we are young… and we jumped up consumed by a childish tanty-rage it was gravity that pulled us back to earth just in time for a swat to the tushy by our frazzled mothers. 


And gravity is there again for us as teenagers, planting our feet firmly to the ground when our heads fill like expandable helium balloons swelling with our own self importance (cast your mind back…remember how clever you thought you were at fifteen?? Effen idiots weren’t we?) 


And for sure- if gravity is quite simply the effect that pulls two particles together, the explanation for the force of attraction between all masses of this wondrous universe, then it stands to reason that gravity is the catalyst for the romance in our lives… 

What do you mean you don’t believe me? 

Well… what if I told you gravity is horny. 

Need further convincing?

Okay follow me…


In space when enough matter collects- the force of gravity is strong enough to propel the teeny tiny hydrogen atoms into the teeny tiny helium atoms and this fusion releases enough energy to turn on a star. 


Only gravity is sexy enough to actually turn on a star… 


And let’s face it…what’s more romantic than a stroll together under a starry night? All those stars baby and all thanks to gravity! 


So far, so good? Okay. 

Well, this my friends, is where my love affair with gravity takes a steep and nasty turn down Fugly Street.


Let’s face it gravity is not so much of a friend as you get older. 

It’s the reason for that little sag you spy. The little part of you that used to be perky and is now…well, perhaps best described as creeping a little closer to the use-by date.

Not expired as such, just a little wilted, like a lettuce leaf left in the sun perhaps a half-hour too long. 

It’s okay at first, barely noticeable even… but as the years progress gravity will become the most bitter lolly you suck on.


Laugh all you want at the thought of men’s balls sagging down into their white sports socks…  it’s the image of my hubby reaching down under the table for a boob-grope that terrifies me…


Gravity. Ugh.


By that stage in our lives it will be no freakin’ bloody wonder the other meaning for gravity is “a manner that is most serious and solemn.”




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